Fuck my life
Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted khổng lồ cover a laugh and apologized. FML
Today, I went khổng lồ meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to lớn meet me. I pulled a U-Turn & heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, I was about khổng lồ thua my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone Call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had khổng lồ come home immediately. My grandma fell off the nhà wc and got stuông xã between the bowl và the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried và told hlặng that I loved hlặng. He gave me a quarter and told me khổng lồ Gọi someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face & ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sầu sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed & said, "is that your excuse for not being able lớn get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML
Today, my boyfriend & I decided to lớn try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around khổng lồ see hyên ổn holding a strap-on with a smile on his face & said 'Now, bởi vì me'. FML
Today, I had an elaborate plan khổng lồ ask this girl to Prom, và it was going lớn take a few minutes khổng lồ set up. I asked my friend to lớn distract her. He decided to lớn distract her by asking her lớn Prom. She said "Yes". FML
Today, I awoke to lớn the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", & leaves. FML
Today, I came trang chủ khổng lồ find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes & a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love sầu Mom." FML
Today, a 7-year-old girl came up khổng lồ me & told me lớn go fuông xã myself. I told her lớn watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened lớn be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to lớn me và told me lớn go fuông xã myself as well. FML
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to lớn go, there's a xinh tươi guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned lớn me & said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some xanh martians!" He looked at me và replied, "How about some xanh shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sầu sex for one month. My wedding is next weekkết thúc and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
Today, I was talking to lớn my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to lớn the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've sầu been naughty?" FML
Today, I checked my facebook, & my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok khổng lồ announce khổng lồ be married. She writes back saying that we have lớn talk and to lớn come lớn the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme tuy nhiên "Be who you want to lớn be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me & said "Mom, I want khổng lồ be a hooker." FML
Today, I heard my boyfrikết thúc of 3 months talking with his frikết thúc, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to lớn tell her I love sầu her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his frikết thúc says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML
Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, & his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us khổng lồ leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfriover asks you to marry hyên doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
Today, I turned on my camera lớn find pictures of my dad's secretary giving hyên a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom & dad say it's no big deal. FML
rexobtells us more :
thanks for all those who are genuinely concerned...i really appreciate it. i"m hanging in there, và hopefully my sister will be alright. we"ve sầu been to therapy and i think it"s helped her, but i don"t know how this will come up later in life for us.again, i really appreciate those of you who took this seriously.
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Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML
shit_upontells us more :
they were wasted khổng lồ the point of oblivion & probably had no idea what had just gone down. i didn"t cry, but i was REALLY angry about it. my clothes were full of shit but luckily i had an extra pair of pants in my oto & i had bought a bvà t-shirt earlier
Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money và went home page with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got trang chính & realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriover lớn tell hlặng someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment và things got heated up & we started making out. One thing lead khổng lồ another & the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready khổng lồ bust when she stopped, looked up inlớn my eyes & said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
Today, I got a phone Gọi saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML
Today, my house got broken into. My brand new máy tính was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive sầu & some clothes. Wanting khổng lồ drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to lớn find that it too had been stolen. FML
Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried notoàn thân cared about me & that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating & crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, và said, "If you're going khổng lồ make those noises, at least shut the door." FML
Today, br& new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself lớn a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
akd_rockstells us more :
Okay I"m the person that wrote this, I wrote it earlier today before I got my account và its one hundered percent truewe talked about familywe exchanged pics but i had never met hlặng beforehe was my moms sisters son adn i have never met that part of my family because my mom was disowned for marrying my dad.his last name was my moms maiden name so i didnt think anything of it especially...
Today, I was cleaning my father's study room & wondering why I did not receive my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline khổng lồ confirm was a month ago. FML
Today, my parents punished me & made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML
Today, my teacher was actually using the calculator lớn multiply one dollar by 3 packs of potakhổng lồ chips. He's a calculus teacher. FML
Today, I realized my depression has reached a stage at which I don't feel strongly about anything. For example, I've sầu just been able khổng lồ order my dream headphones...
Today, I've sầu been sexting a mysterious guy from New Jersey. I was getting hot, so I decided khổng lồ say, "I want you khổng lồ be my first." Suddenly, my officemate...
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Today, my husband forgot lớn log out of his máy vi tính. Out of curiosity, I checked what was on the screen. It turns out he has his own blog where he shares...
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